YOUR BRAND IS BORING. HERE’S HOW TO FAKE A CRIMINAL RECORD

YOUR BRAND IS BORING. HERE’S HOW TO FAKE A CRIMINAL RECORD

From artisanal muffins to “MOST WANTED” in 4 steps.

You sell ethical yarn. Or gluten-free soap. That’s fine. But boring is bankruptcy. Here’s how to rebrand as an outlaw:

THE MANUFACTURED REBELLION PLAYBOOK:
STEP 1: FAKE THE PAPER TRAIL

Distress your poster like it survived a SWAT raid:

• Coffee stains = “all-night paste raid”
• Razor slashes = “corporate sabotage”

STEP 2: WEAPONIZE TYPOGRAPHY

Use fonts cops would confiscate:

• Blood Splatter Bold (for “24HR FLASH SALE”)
• Ransom Note Gothic (for “LOCAL INGREDIENTS”)

STEP 3: LOCATION AS LORE

Paste outside:

• Bail bond offices
• Police barricades
• Empty oligarch mansions

CASE STUDY: SWEET TOOTH SYNDICATE
Boring Reality: Vegan bakery in Portland.
StreetPoster Glow-Up:

• Posters labeled: “WANTED: SUGAR DEALERS” with mugshots of cupcakes
• Pasted outside a defunct FBI field office
• Result: 300% Instagram growth, 1 cease-and-desist from actual lawyers (framed in shop)